Well, I tried.

Here's me and RJ. we're both upside down.I don't know how to correct this.I don't know how it happened. All I know is were were not upside down at Skytop Orchard when we went out to pick apples. He was so tired on the way back up the mountain I had to carry him.

Kids asleep. Cat asleep. Me drinking hot peppermint tea. House is quiet. Cat is happy. No husband. Feeling close to 42. That's O.K though. 42 should be better than 41. :-)

Upward

Tonight I watched my daughter at Upward cheering practice. She apparently inherited more of my traits than I expected. Completely uncoordinated, her cheering skills include stumbling, the inability to jump and land on both feet simultaneously, as well as the occasional awkward I- am- almost- falling- sideways- adjust quickly stance...but she is the loudest girl, and therefore gets to call the cheers. Go Lula!

Sometimes I wonder why I am blogging. I want to go back to writing in my "real journal". The notebook.
I want to deactivate facebook too. I am getting tired of typing and feeling like I should have an online persona, a page always updated... I want to rebel against all things online, unreal and I want a real pen and a real piece of paper and a real person to share it with (or throw it at...)

So I will probably print all of these entries out on paper, place in a notebook, in a box, and it will be thrown away by my kids or caretaker one day.

With that, I'm going to bed.

You happy now?

I wish I was on the lake watching the sun set. Just a side thought. Or singing, somewhere.

I'm too tired to paint the roof of my screened in porch. I picked "Sky Blue". About 6 weeks ago.

I'm sure it's the children..they are so, so precious and so, so exhausting. To be the mother that I must be...requires all I have.  Yet I still don't feel I'm there enough.

Not to be present in the moment really bothers me. I should not complain ..how good could I have it. Able to wort from home...God has been good. Great! I am so blessed and grateful. How many moms would love to be able to do what I do?  Yet there are cons. There is a netherworld in which I live. Not in the world of the working mother. And not in the world of the stay at home mother. And really in neither social group. It's...."interesting"  and it's lonely. I talk to ALOT of people all day. People I don't know and will never meet in person. About...nothing, really. Very blessed to have some close friends that understand where I am.

Sometimes RJ looks at me if I am not smiling and says "you happy now?"

He started that a few months ago. It's an utmost concern of his that those around him are happy. There is something special about the way he says it. It's a question. It's a plea. It's a wish. All in one. It's the most lovely thing in the world, a fragrant offering, beautifully delivered with a tender, loving smile and eyes of the innocent. If he sees a frown, a furrow, he's there with..."you happy now?" And of course, you automatically are. Happiness is wrapped up in the boy. Even after sissy hits him and she's in trouble, he's concerned for her, arriving with "you happy nows" and hugs and smiles. 

2 Corinthinas 4

^"16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. "

Encouraging, is it not?

I have a funeral to attend tomorrow.

I started reading a book called "Practicing His Prescence" that Becky Moss told me to read several years ago and if I was smarter I'd have done it then. It's blowing me away. Very inspiring. I find myself celebrating alongside Frank C. Laubach who ironically died on my birth date. This is the original "Shack". I mean this guy REALLY communicated with God, in a REAL shack. OK, so that's my stunning commentary...all I can manage right now. The point is if you are reading this you should immediately order this book from Amazon. It's $4. It's fairly short. It's full of joy and will encourage and inspire you (almost as much as CS Lewis :-) )

Dreams

I am a sentimental gal.

"Warm jello", says my brother.

The same warm jello that "cuts people off at the knees" (some one I worked with said that...it hurt. It was a long time ago.Back before I was warm jello, I guess)

What can you do when your own subconcious haunts you with dreams?

"What you had...ooh what you lost"...

So what if you never really even had it? What if you imagine that you did? Or you might again?

There's something sacred about grieving. What is and what will never be.

The forgiveness model is about grief too. I haven't finished mine yet. Or started it.

List all wrongs. Release expectations. Hmm. So if I have no expectations...where is my hope?

And I hear "My hope is built on nothing less ..."

OK. You got me there.

But what about dreams?

My nanny always said she dreamed things. They always came true. She dreamed Papa in WW2. About Ron in Vietnam. She dreamed all her children's gender. She dreamed L's gender too. She stopped telling us about them. We begged her to tell us, but she's such a Saint she was worried we would take it too seriously and not pray. Didn't God speak to people through dreams/visions?

So ...is He speaking to me?

Summer ...

Lula and RJ had fun at the beach; PBJs every day, unlimited swimming, and movie-watching. By Thursday our behavior was denegrating (including mine). We needed alone time. Or maybe I needed alone time. Definitely. A week is a long time for at the beach. I like it in the evenings and at night to walk on. I like to stare at the ocean, perched upon a comfy seat with no sand touching me, drinking a cold sweet tea with lemon (or Pinot Grigio...) Who likes the 116 degree heat index. Only when you can submerge in water does it make sense. I loved that we went with friends and all the kids played together. Caroline was with us and gave me a break. Many breaks. And the food....my fav, Rue De Jean. We hit Poes on Sullies, and the little breakfast place at IOP behind the water tower. Made all the heat worthwhile.

Siblings

The day....swimming. Haircuts. Mexican food that the kids refuse to eat. Who doesn't like cheese quesidillas? A run in the park. (run=me chasing children) . A bad movie starring Tom Hanks (2 stars, max)....and a little work. A longer than usual day.

The lows...another speeding ticket this morning. I was listening to Chris Tomlin, there was a really good song on, then...of course. Not paying attention. It got me thinking about things I might not be paying enough attention to.

No kind talk. Another low.

I pay attention to the house. It's clean. And pretty. My job. It's done. The basics. Check. My children? I'm not listening. I'm too busy.

I apologized to L. tonight.

She thanked me by kissing my hand and grabbing it. I prayed with her in her bed. Then we talked about what we learned today. She said nothing so I taught her a new word, "tender". We talked about tender- heartedness. I explained how Jesus helps our hearts become tender. She said "and different".

:-) That's the high of the day.